2.7.21 :: Beat Sugar and Snow until Smooth. Repeat.

What's the thing that gets you up every day? For a lot of my friends it's kids. The joy and terror and daily mission of keeping the family alive. Most of my mom pals are ready to primal scream into a pillow after the past year. I don't blame or envy them. And I would never deny them that. 

And, yet, the grass is always a little bit greener. Isn't it. Because I can't find a thing to get up for these days.

While I'm single and child-free and, mostly, happily so, the pandemic has shone a spotlight--often in the very early hours of the morning when I should be asleep but am on my seventh hour of Netflix--on the utter lack of purpose in my life. (Stop here if you're a parent or person in crisis or happily child-free human who doesn't want to listen to a healthy woman armed with choices and opportunity battle a mental blizzard. I don't blame you.) 

Ironically, I'm not alone in my isolation. There have never been more single adults living in the United States--42.5% of the country, according to a 2017 census. Where I was often put on a pedestal or derided for my freedom and a life lacking baggage (note: no one is free from baggage), the mental baggage I've accumulated just over the past week of quarantine has been enough to have me rolling out the suitcase again.

I can't sleep--well, that is. I can't sleep well, because I'm sleeping all the time. Where I stepped on the scale the day after I flew home from Hawaii and found I'd left seven pounds on the island, today I woke up to find the jerks had made their way back home via takeout containers. Where I once spent hours gazing at sunsets and sand and endless ocean, I am now back to the regularly scheduled program of screen sickness, logging up to 15 hours of television/computer/phone time a day. As much as I try to stick to my daily to-do list--Work out! Write! Cook!--the biggest task has been keeping my eyes open.

Like a lot of people, I've been deep down in the valley of depression before. I know the markers well, and have been doing my best to leave the trail, but the conditions, as we all know, are harder than ever. I often think of my grandmothers. The start of every call: How are you? What have you been up to? And the standard answer:

Nothing.

I was always really good at blocking the "nothing" from my life. And as a strategic person had planned well for what I knew was going to be a hard winter. Hence, the original plan to travel to California. And now I'm home, I've done as much as I can. The apps are installed: Weight Watchers, Calm. The intentions are always there, repetitive bass notes of a late-30s funeral dirge. But my most ardent nemeses--depression, anxiety, addiction--have resumed the War of 2020. Especially, like I said, in those quiet hours when alarming numerical facts are hurled at my consciousness like rogue bludgers. For example: 

• You have been living in your "transition" apartment for seven years.
• You have gained 55 pounds since moving in. 
• Your kitten is going to be ten. 
• Your period is now old enough to rent a car she will never drive. 
• You have willingly given $100,000 in monthly installments to a man who lives in Maine and once destroyed all of your belongings in the basement because he didn't fix a water leak.  

In the waking hours, the beating continues. Snow. Sugar. Lies. Oh, the social media lies that belie all that hides beyond the frame. Cozy family portraits. New puppies. Selfies with fancy cocktails. And the lies I tell myself every night. Promises that I'll start again tomorrow (the definition of insanity in a pandemic). Vows that when winter is over, things will be different (a long way away, according to Phil). 

In a home I built when my life wasn't all about home, I am going mad. I know I'm not the only one. And, so, using my singledom to full advantage, I've decided to head for warmer waters. A base with sunshine and isolation that's not just physically safe, but mentally sound. A new chapter of the slow migration to whatever is next on that path called purpose. 

Any tips or tricks you have about traveling with two felines, I'm all ears. 

Stay tuned and stay sane. Truly. xx